My mom would always tell me that God was going to “redeem the years the locusts had eaten.” It was a phrase used to describe the potential that my life, my anxious, OCD-riddled, depressed life, could one day be restored. I would look back at her with tears in my eyes and ask…

Where is God now?

I don’t think I am alone in asking that. No matter where you are on the belief spectrum, it’s likely you have asked at least some semblance of that question.

Humbly, my mom would say…

I don’t know what why this is happening, but I know He loves you and He has a plan for you.

I always hated that answer. I hated it because it left my problems in the hands of a God who I thought was disappointed in me. Entrusting my life to His care felt like an egg toss with a toddler. He would be careless, reckless, and unpredictable. Even when I had “behaved,” it felt like I was handing my list of deeds to my spiritual parole officer. Each time, barely avoiding jail, but walking away with a stern rebuke.

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I hated God. At least, I hated what my brain made him out to be. I was always on edge. The pressure was always on. For the better part of seven years, I was restless. The thing that was supposed to bring me the utmost joy, brought me the utmost pain. Every other night was a “dark night of the soul.” But, it felt like morning never came.

Maybe that is you. Maybe OCD or depression has robbed you of the joy, the freedom for which you were designed. If so, know that there is hope. That might sound like white noise to you as it did to me for such a long time. But hope exists. Not because you have to be awesome. In fact, you can’t be. All you have to be is honest. God will be awesome for you.

What does that mean? I like the way Andrew Murray puts it. He writes…

Dear souls, little do they know that the abiding in Christ is meant only for the weak and is so beautifully suited to their feebleness. It does not demand the doing of some great thing or that we first lead a holy and devoted life. No, it is simply weakness entrusting itself to a Might One to be kept- the unfaithful one casting self on One who is all together trustworthy and true.

Abide in Christ, pg.28

I remember reading that for the first time and realizing that I don’t have to have it all together. In fact, trying to was a waste of time. It was like spraying perfume on a corpse. It was hollow. Rather, I needed to acknowledge where I was. Not where I thought I should have been. “Cast your cares on Him because He cares for you.” I did that every day. I started each day saying…

God, I can’t do today on my own. But I can with you. I choose to abide in You today.

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So maybe you are wondering where God is? I would say “He is still there. He has always been there.” Even if it has been years since you felt that joy, He is there. If you have been waiting awhile, struggling to make it through the day, and you are ready to give up, Jesus would look at you with the utmost tenderness in His eyes, and say,

Come to me. All who are weary and heavy burdened. I will give you rest.

Go to Him and ask for the rest that He promised you. He is faithful.