It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to deduce that there is a stigma with mental health. I went to school (dropped out and went back) to study child and youth development, and I can figure it out.

My question is why?

When I was in the stranglehold of OCD, I never really felt shame in admitting that my brain wasn’t firing properly. I’m grateful I was gifted with that honesty. But, for many of us, it is hard to be open about our struggles.

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There is a significant danger to posturing and acting as if everything is okay when it is not. Imagine going to the doctor with a cardboard cut out of yourself. When the doctor asks how you have been feeling, you show them the smiling cardboard cut out and say, “Everything is good!”

Why is this crazy?

Because that is not you.

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I had a video visit with my psychiatrist today. She asked me how I had been feeling recently. For years I had heard that question and, leaving my cardboard cutout at home, would have to say, “I’m not doing too well.”

But, today was different. Today, I was genuinely able to say…”I’m doing great!”

Do you know how relieving it is to say “I’m doing great” and mean it? It is remarkably refreshing. How did this come about?

Honesty. Honesty with myself. Honesty with others. Honesty with God.

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I should mention that though I was unafraid of the stigma of mental health in front of people, I was afraid to be honest with God. My OCD theme had me crippling in fear that if I was not as close to flawless as possible, God was going to take away something I loved. Naturally, that terrified me. So, I hid in the dark from Him.

I remember mornings, 5 years ago where I would wake up, force myself to read my Bible, and immediately get hit with a panic attack. My view of that time was “How can I check that off the list and get God the hell off my back?” I hated it. To be honest, I hated Him.

Really, the God I hated was the god of my OCD. The god my biochemical disorder made Him out to be was a divine warden. It wasn’t until I read Isaiah 40:11, that I finally admitted to God what I thought of Him.

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

“He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to his heart.” I longed for that. Just a taste. But, my OCD version read closer to something like this…

He judges the flock like a scoffer:

He stiff arms them and waits for their perfection

He cold shoulders those who need his help.

This was May, 2017. I was sitting there telling God that what he said about himself was not what I had experienced in my life. OCD had wrecked my brain and wrecked my view of the God, the God I so desperately wanted to know. So I prayed, “God, I want to know your heart. I want to experience what you are saying here.”

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A few days ago, I was praying and said, “God I love you, and it feels very good to say that genuinely.” What a far cry from the boy who spent years fearing impending doom from the hands of the Almighty OCD god. I have come to know the loving embrace of my Father who longs to know me and help me daily. My daily prayer is characterized the same as it was 3 years ago.

Honest.

Whatever you are feeling…good, down, depressed, mentally trapped, suicidal, panicked, OCD enslaved…be honest. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with others. Be honest with God.

God can’t change fake you

Step into the freedom of those who down have it all together. The freedom of those who were never supposed to in the first place. It is the first and continual step to real change.